The answer about children was clear. I kept negotiating with it
ThirtyFourAndListening · Posted 22 Sep 2026, 07:11
I knew at three weeks. We were making pasta in her flat and somehow got onto children. She said she had never wanted them and was certain that wasn’t going to change. I do want them. Not immediately, but properly. I’m 34 and I’ve always pictured being a dad. I should have said that plainly. Instead I said I wasn’t in a rush and changed the subject because the evening was lovely and I didn’t want it to become our last one. We carried on for another eight months. We never called it casual, but we also avoided calling it anything else. I met two of her friends. She met my brother once. We went away for a weekend and argued about who had packed the worse snacks. It was easy in all the ways that make a hard fact feel negotiable. The embarrassing part is that she didn’t mislead me. I started collecting little things as evidence anyway. She was brilliant with my niece. She said our friends’ baby was cute. She once joked that I’d be the parent who built an unnecessarily complicated treehouse. Every time, I let myself hear a door opening that she had already told me was closed. Last week I finally asked again. I tried to make it sound neutral, but it wasn’t. She knew. She said she loved what we had and still did not want children. Then she asked whether I had been waiting for her answer to change. I had. Saying it out loud made me feel awful, because I had turned her honesty into a temporary obstacle without ever telling her that was what I was doing. We ended it on Sunday. There was no dramatic row. I gave back her spare key, she took her good pan from my cupboard, and we both cried in the hallway. She said she wished affection could solve it. I said I wished that too. I’m sad, but the answer is not confusing anymore. She does not owe me a different future, and I do not have to pretend I can be happy without the one I want. I’m writing this partly so I don’t start translating a kind goodbye into another maybe.
What should they do? · 70 votes
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Replies (29)
Be honest. Be kind. No real names.
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You did the kindest available thing by ending it without asking her to defend the same answer again. Wanting children is not more serious than not wanting them, but the two futures cannot be blended by waiting.
The difficult part is that you knew your own answer at three weeks and made it sound less important so the evening could continue. I respect that you have named that plainly now instead of making her responsible for the ending.
I also waited for someone to change their answer about marriage. The strongest part of this post is that he stopped translating warmth into evidence and accepted that missing her did not create a different future.
The eight months were not pointless simply because the futures were incompatible. You learned that delaying a clear difference did not make it negotiable, and you ended it without asking her to change.
Being wonderful with a niece and joking about treehouses never meant she was moving towards parenthood. You were reading warmth as a change of plan because the actual answer was harder to lose her over.
“Maybe one day” is different from wanting children, and six months is enough time to ask what that phrase actually means. Fear of losing the relationship does not make the future question disappear.
I am facing a similar difference about children and recognise the temptation to treat a clear answer as temporary. This ending is painful, but it shows why affection cannot solve two incompatible futures.
The good pan detail made the ending feel ordinary and final. They were dividing a shared domestic life at the same time as admitting that love could not create one future around children.
Did you ever mention how much meaning you had placed on the treehouse joke? She may not have realised you were treating a light comment as evidence that her answer was changing.
it hurts so much but ur doing the right thing. i once hung around for a year hoping theyd change their mind about moving cities and i regret it so much. give yourself time to just be sad about it, ur allowed to feel empty for a bit.
If he has clearly said he does not want children, “seeing where things go” does not protect you from that difference. The useful question is whether you would still choose the relationship if his answer remained no.
The hallway ending sounds painful and kind. Accepting her answer and your own wish to become a father protects both of you from a much larger resentment later.
this made me cry on the tube. i did the exact same thing with a guy for two years, thinking he would eventually change his mind about marriage. it hurts so much when you realise you were the only one holding the pen for a future that was never written.
Honestly mate, been there. Watching them act like they want your life is just a way to keep you around for convenience. It is selfish as hell and it pisses me off you wasted eight months on someone who knew exactly what they were doing.
Delete her number and the chat history today. Do not wait for a text checking in or a 'how are you' message. You need a clean break to stop your brain from trying to rewrite the script again.
She said from week three that she did not want children, so it is not fair to say she knowingly wasted his time. He stayed because he kept hoping a clear answer would change, and he now takes responsibility for that.
Ending an otherwise loving relationship over children is painful, but neither person could compromise without giving up something fundamental. He did not need more time to prove his love; he needed to accept her answer.
Knowing a relationship must end does not make the decision easy. The poster has reached the point where hope is no longer changing the facts, which is different from failing to try hard enough.
Archiving the chat and photos for a while could support the boundary he has already chosen. The useful aim is not to erase eight months, but to stop every ordinary reminder becoming another reason to reinterpret her clear answer.
The good pan was not evidence that she wanted children. It mattered because an ordinary shared object made the ending feel final after he had spent months turning other ordinary moments into signs of a different future.
stop romanticising the pain and just move on already.
Keeping a spare key showed closeness, not evidence that her answer about children would change. The poster now recognises that he used ordinary relationship milestones to negotiate with a boundary she had stated clearly.
The search for a loophole is exactly what the post finally names. The ending was painful, but it stopped turning her clear answer about children into evidence she might later reverse.
The quiet hallway ending and the good pan make this feel painfully ordinary. I hope you can let the sadness be sadness without turning her kindness into another possible opening.
He did spend eight months hoping her answer would change, and that was unfair to both of them. The useful part is that he now takes responsibility instead of blaming her for being clear from the beginning.
He was unfair to her when he treated warmth around his niece as evidence she might change. He also names that clearly now, which is more useful than turning either person into the villain of an incompatible future.
i am currently doing this exact thing with someone who is dead set against moving in together. i know the end is coming but i cant seem to let it go yet. reading this hit hard.
block her number for at least a month, mate. honestly, dont check if shes active or posted anything. just get some distance so the urge to look for signs dies down. you need a clean break to reset your brain.
did you actually let her take the pan without a fight? i would have been petty about that after everything.